As a woman who grew up in a matriarchal family I’ve always wholeheartedly believed that my gender didn’t limit me in anyway. I can’t remember ever saying something like “I can’t do that or be that because I’m a girl”, though I can’t say the same for never saying I wish I was a boy. I mean come on, no periods, instantly the most ‘dominant’ in society (don’t kill me for this one, it’s simply a generalization), pee standing up, those fun phallic things, it’s all good. However, while all those things are great at the end of the day I’d rather be a girl and I’m proud as fuck to be one. The point of my previous babbling is that sometimes I think women short change themselves without knowing. They don’t truly believe that they are equal to men, and that they’re gender limits them. I read somewhere once, I’m paraphrasing here, that equality isn’t about equal results but about equal opportunities and now I can’t speak for everyone else but that is literally all I want as a woman and a feminist. What led me to these kinds of thoughts at 12:02 am was myself, my grandma and a female friend moving some furniture around my house. Now it may not seem like much but I’m a short stack of pancakes, I’m not very fit and some pieces were really heavy but what drove me crazy was that right off the bat I unknowingly though “Oh, I’ll just wait till my step-dad gets here and he’ll move it around.” When I realized what I was thinking I got really upset at myself because I realized that I was underestimating my own power without even trying or even acknowledging that I even could. I hauled ass and started moving shit myself and although right now my muscles ache, my right knee is creaking and I might have possibly thrown my back out I feel so powerful and ridiculously proud of myself for accomplishing such a small feat. It made me feel good about myself and it made me proud as a woman. Now I’m not trying to say that men are useless or anything negative, but there’s somethings special about being able to do things that were once considered ‘male tasks’ and feeling powerful in your own skin knowing that you did it.
Powerful Woman in Red
Have you ever had those days when you get so angry and frustrated over nothing? When you go to bed hoping even a little that you won’t wake up? That you could be enveloped by the oh so tempting nothingness of death (if that’s what you believe in)? Well today has been one of those days for me. However it isn’t just today, this has been happening to me a lot lately and it drives me crazy that I can’t get out of this rut. I know this isn’t rock bottom for me but these feelings sure do suck. Growing up, I’ve never really had a good self image but as I grew up I became more aware and I tried to change this, and I must admit it worked for a while but it wasn’t too long before I became immersed in the shadows again. I started hating myself more, harming myself, covering mirrors, being nasty towards myself and snapping at others and just over all shrouded in a dark, negative energy. I try being happy and cheerful to hide what i’m really feeling but it always seems to seep through the cracks and fuck me over. Sometimes I feel like Ichigo from Bleach. Like I’m fighting my own inner hollow and no matter how much I try to overcome it it still manages to engulf me into the darkness, leaving me helpless and vulnerable on the inside while it reeks havoc on the outside. It seems like no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I fight, my inner hollow is always waiting to take control. Is that the real me trying to get out? How will I ever know?
Disheartened Girl in Grey